Well the week in the 5 star all-inclusive was great for the first hour…… then we found out why we had travelled the world but never stayed in one …..TIGHT GITS! i can hear everyone shout …but no ,it’s because the people who generally stay in them fit the pigeon-hole ……..want to drink as much as possible (used to be us) and want to put on 40 lbs over their stay. I can’t knock the food it was excellent and we were lucky enough to be next to the 24hr snack bar which never really had many visitors ..until 4am every morning when the night club kicked out and they all did tequilla shots MAX MAX MAX GO MAX…if i had bumped into MAX they would have found him at the bottom of the pool!
On arrival i asked about safety deposit box and they said “of course” and he wanted me to sign the form quickly i turned it over and there was war and peace on the back about if you didn’t lock away your valuables the hotel could not be responsible , i asked the receptionist up to what value did the hotel cover inside the box she said “it’s not covered” … i paid my $35 and found that a good fart would have knocked the safety deposit box off the wall!
So we hatched a plan as we couldn’t afford to have anything go missing ….all the blurb on the back of the form indicated to me that stuff did go missing on a regular basis. We decided we would not have our room cleaned and i would just keep nicking toiletries and towels off the maids cart as she cleaned the other rooms. After 2nd day the maid shouted to be me with a handful of shower gel which i quickly concealed behind my back … “room clean senor?” ….not today thanks we are a honeymoon couple and i am very busy ……she asked every day until we left..but never got in ….what was going through her head 9000 guests and there are these two fruit cakes 🙂
We planned to get a private transfer to Belize but they wanted $200 so we decided to take the ADO luxury Coach. The easiest thing would be for the hotel to book the tickets as no one speaks english at the bus station and then they could add it to our bill …we strolled confidently to customer services for them to carry out this simple task …..the assistant smiled at us sweetly and said “NO” …..so i said could she make the phone reservation and we would pay on arrival at the bus station?…”NO anything outside of the hotel is your problem” ….. i started to get a little annoyed and H digged me in the ribs and we were walking away before we were escorted from the building…. thats what i call customer service …….. definitely a five star resort…. *f*u*c*k*s*.
So the bus journey was as easy as ever 3 .5 hours to Chetumal easy peasy until the aircon broke on the bus, at first i thought it was me , we were the only non mexicans on the bus and i felt hot ( a little gulp of water would do the trick ) 15 minutes later babies were wailing locals were fanning themselves …this went on for an hour. The bus suddenly swerved to the right hand side and lurched to a halt . the bus driver got out went to the back of the bus, i heard banging sounds ..i’m sure he was kicking it …got back in and shouted “FATAL” and walked down the bus punching the emergency exit panels out in the roof ..luckily it didn’t rain and we got to the bus station, hopped in a taxi and now we had to run the dreaded customs……
Now there is a little con on the border crossing from Mexico to Belize if you arrive by air you have to pay a departure tax to leave mexico. But if you leave by land there is no departure tax but the guy in the easily missable little shitty green hut takes the money off you and puts it in his pocket. i left H in the taxi and went up to said little shitty hut and handed in both passports for the all important leaving stamp. He checked through and said $20 each, i said i don’t want doble entrada he said you need to pay .. BUT i have no american dollars i’m English heres 200 pesos I said….so he took the money and it went straight in his arse pocket said where is your wife i pointed to the taxi and the big green rucksack was in the back seat he peered at it and said “your wife?” … I replied “Si Senor” …. …ok adios amigo STAMP STAMP and we were gone.
Now for the Belize customs… how long are you staying? …..for maybe a mont? ….have you been here before? ..as he stared at the passport page covered in Belize stamps….. ..purpose of visit ?tourist ….STAMP STAMP then we headed to the baggage checking area ..i had run over the story in my head 100 times and every time it changed …there are two counters – goods to declare ..nothing to declare ..if you go to the nothing to declare they check you anyway because everyone is trying to smuggle stuff in and not pay tax…..so we went to the goods to declare …so what goods do you have to declare? …..I have a wooden bowl and a few carvings …..are they for your own personal use? YES …good day Sir …she didn’t even look at anything ..we must have the face of angels we had……… MADE IT!!!!!!